Sometimes Connection is Hard! But Meaningful Connections Matter...

I value deep connection with people. Not all people, of course, not everybody wants it. And some connections are naturally deeper than others. For me, it is something I actively seek it out, feeling disappointed when the depth, trust, a willingness to be vulnerable and mutually curious, is not there. A bit like an ever-hopeful bee returning to an artificial flower.

My boys are two of the most significant connections I enjoy, struggle against, wrestle with: marvel at. They are my wisest teachers too. They are also still at the stage where (happily for me but, having spoken to other parents, not for all parents), if they wake up in the middle of the night, they come to my bedroom and snuggle in with me. We cuddle and fall asleep together, and it is in moments like these, when I feel truly at peace and connected to them.

This morning was different. My younger son came upstairs at 2.30am and, for all sorts of 9-year-old reasons, had a mini-meltdown.

Connection was hard at that time of the morning.

I was annoyed. Annoyed that he’d not done what I’d asked of him. Annoyed that he stormed downstairs to his bedroom and cried his angry (to me; nonsensical) tears. I lay upstairs in my bed – replaying the situation – rationalising how right I had been to feel annoyed. And how justified I was to leave him there. Because he’d refused to listen. If only he’d listened – we’d be lying together, close and connected once again.

Connection didn’t happen at that time of the morning.

And it was because of my response.

I stayed away. I waited for him to make his return and to reconnect with me. I kept my distance, actively choosing not to reconnect with him. I was too busy being indignant, being right and being frustrated that he wasn’t listening. So busy I didn’t see I was wrong. So busy with my own responses that I didn’t notice I hadn’t been listening. That I had, in effect, chosen disconnection.

As this truth dawned on me - a heavy weight of guilt settled on my heart.

What have I done? How can I talk to my boys about the importance of staying connected when I am doing the opposite? What am I really role-modelling for them? And, how can I repair the damage?

 The guilt began to lift when I began to grasp what was really going on in that interaction between us (definitely not at 2.30am …). The awareness of a familiar pattern of responses linked to a deep personal trigger emerged (again): my need to be heard. Truly heard – without rational thinking being thrown back at me, without fear and insecurity in the other person’s eyes, without that dismissive, crushing indifference.

Instead, with empathy and curiosity; a powerful combination that comes from another human being who wants to stay connected with you – come what may.

It would seem that my path towards personal transformation is still littered with a few obstacles. And yet, it has trees, flowers (real ones!) and beauty lining its path, it has interesting nooks and crannies where many treasures of hard-won wisdom can be found; it has scars, and potholes with murky puddles that sometimes disguise treacherous terrain. Flawed, hard going at times, but heading in the right direction.

Fortunately, the flower that is my relationship with my lovely boy (s) is a real one - with deep, tenacious roots. And, even when the weather is cold, grey and uninviting (and the hour is early…), we return to it to make sure it is safe from further harm – to understand what it needs to flourish once more.

So, what can I do to repair the damage?

Plenty! I will explain my reactions without shirking responsibility for them. Then, I will apologise and ask for forgiveness. And I will listen – with empathy and curiosity – so he feels truly heard.

Then we’ll cuddle and probably talk about football...

Perhaps you can relate to this somehow...

As a parent, a friend, a brother or sister, a partner, a team member, a manager, a client?

And maybe you’re brave enough to think even more deeply about the quality of your connections in your life? If so, I have posed a few questions below for you:

1.       How do you define what it is to have a deep connection in your relationships?

What does it mean to you?

What does it mean to the other person?

2.       Make a list of all the connections you have that come time mind. On a scale of 1 (not important) to 10 (crucial to my life and wellbeing):

How important is it to have a deep connection with each of these individuals/ parties?

If your answer is below 6 for any of your connections – ask yourself: what value does this connection bring to my life?

For any connections with a score of 7 and above – see question 4 (not forgetting question 3 of course…)

3.     What need does each connection fulfil for you? And for them?

Take time to identify, articulate and understand these needs.

4.       On a scale of 1 (deeply unsatisfied) to 10 (extremely satisfied) how satisfied are you

that the connection meets yours and their needs?

If the connection is important to you and you’ve scored less than 8 in response to this question - what can be done to deepen the connection and improve it towards (perhaps mutually) beneficial outcomes? What do you (and they) need more of and less of to improve the connection?

If you scored more than 8 - how can you deepen the connection for more significant outcomes?

5.       Reassess the impact each connection currently has on who you are,

your goals and ideal outcomes:

Is it a positive or negative impact?

Which aspects of the connection do you have control over?

Where can you influence things for better outcomes?

What role are you playing in the quality of the connection?

6.       Where are you experiencing a disconnect?

What’s the reason for this? What are the real reasons for it? (Dig deep…)

Are there any steps you could take to return, listen and learn?

What boundaries might need to be in place to protect the connection?

7.       Revisit question 2: was your name on this list?

If not – why not? You are the most significant connection you can have with yourself.

How do you feel about your connection with yourself? Who you are? Your thoughts and feelings? Your experiences and triggers? Your values? Your goals? Your connections with others?

Maybe you’d like to talk about your responses

and reflections?

Maybe you’d like to figure out how to make these connections easier, better, deeper?

Maybe I can help?

Let’s make better connections. Together.

Pop me a message and we can connect of a cuppa.